malignancies

patched up

Posted in sestet by maggie on June 3, 2016

i must be losing my knack at being hot 
since the boy who should be loving me's been not 
and seduction's not a trick i'm much trained at 
but i just heard some breakthrough medical news 
how my family physician can cure me of my blues 
just get me sporting a female sex drive patch 

but i'm not ready to have me another kid 
still not over what happened last time i did 
besides, a girl my age needs no snot-nosed brat 
so doc, while you're rummaging in your miracle drawer 
there's another prescription the girl came here for 
add on a contraceptive birth control patch 

then with a sexuality that'll roll the dice 
and a womb that won't have to pay the price 
you know the partying mood that will come from that 
and knowing me, i'd take hard to drink 
but they've got a cure for that one too, i think 
an alcoholic's anti-hangover patch 

like they say, don't patch what ain't been broke 
even so, i was fixing to quit my smoke 
cigarettes will kill you, the government says for a fact 
i don't want to catch cancer inside my lung 
i'm coughing already and i'm still pretty young 
so i went with a nicotine anti-smoking patch 

there isn't any season when i won't sneeze 
afflicted as i am with myriad allergies 
pill after pill after pill go down the hatch 
but there is one thing i'm not allergic to 
so you know damn well what i just had to do 
it's clear sailing ahead with an antihistamine patch 

when it's setting to rain every bone that i've got starts to ache 
i get sore all over, there isn't much more left to break 
it's all i can do to keep all my pieces intact 
but even before any old wound starts to hurt 
i can numb myself up and still remain fully alert 
jacked up on my comforting pain-killing patch 

my friends and i exchange patchy regards 
collecting and trading our patches like baseball cards 
i'm an old pro at this, so i've got a decent batch 
i'm more patched up than an ancient pair of jeans 
i've got holes everywhere, and you know what that means 
i cover each hole over patch by patch 

there's so much to munch on it's almost obscene 
but i wanted to keep my throat squeaky clean 
it had nothing to do with whether or not i was fat 
"you don't like to eat" said my doctor, well duh 
as in: chronic severe anorexia 
but no problem, now i've got me an appetite patch 

but we wouldn't want that one to ever get out of control 
like start dreaming of taking full bites and swallowing whole 
you have to watch these things, there's always a catch 
so lest i swing too far the other way 
i have something to keep my body at bay 
i'll balance it out with my calorie-eating diet patch 

overactive bladder syndrome seemed a neat one to me 
so i drank a whole lot and tried really hard to pee 
soon i was leaving a puddle wherever i sat 
but i'm proud to announce that i'm once again dry 
i can now hold it in as good as any guy 
since i reasserted control with my oab patch 

i don't even feel like getting up out of bed 
i just pull up the blanket and go back to sleep instead 
help, i've disconnected and can't reattach 
though i'm back on the road toward feeling worthwhile 
perhaps sometime soon i can fake a forced smile 
it's better than prozac, my anti-depressant patch 

my doc says "we like treating patients like you" 
yeah, a sucker to sell all his snake-oil patches to 
i said "doc, i've had enough patches!" he smiled at that 
then he gave me a 3-month supply of his newest strips 
one for each of my arms, one for each of my hips 
the peel-off label said "extra-strength patch-addiction patch" 

i've got a patch for my hemorrhoids, got a patch for my gerd 
i've got patches for ailments that i haven't yet incurred 
each malignancy has its own patch, all my bruises, every scratch 
i've got a patch that hits anything it detects 
i've got patches for my patches' side effects 
take all your needles and pills, but give me a patch 

my lover felt there was something badly amiss 
when he couldn't find any of my skin to kiss 
every square inch had a medical condition to match 
so then someday all i have sown i must surely reap 
but don't mourn, just lay me down to my sleep 
and cover up where i once was with one last patch
 
 

[9/26/2004]   

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